24
January
2006
I’m on a sort of a hiatus. Not in a bad “it’s all too much, I need to hide” way, just haven’t been feeling very social lately. And this blog (and the internet in general) is for me first and foremost a social medium.
Which is why I let emails pile up, don’t post in my blog and do the least I can do with my websites. All the while I’m feeling quite fine - a bit better every day, actually, having just started to take a mild anti-depressive (Citalopram-Mepha, in case someone is wondering) last week, which has already markedly improved things, although I still feel some side-effects.
So I’m doing fine, trying to get in the right (which means productive) frame of mind to start serious work on my thesis in mid-February at the latest. It’s all a bit annoying, the process of getting all the signatures and information I need, but I’m getting there, slowly but surely.
Just wanted to write it down, in case anyone was worried. Feel free to drop me a line - I might take a while to answer, but I read and smile…
Posted: Life, SAD, Uni
1
November
2005
I’m faking doing the things I’m supposed to do (like French class), I’m faking being up to talk (with other students, with my family - later today with my therapist), I’m faking smiling and being friendly (and think I’m succeeding). Mainly I hope that it will start feeling real if I fake it long enough. No idea whether it’s SAD or just the aftermath of a bad night with strange and uncomfortable dreams. It’s the first time in months that I’ve felt this way, so I’m not really worried. Everyone has off days like that.
It’s not as if I’m really down or sad or anything - just a bit… numb. So don’t worry about me, okay?
Don’t even know why I’m posting this here, except that I haven’t posted in too long again and just want to communicate something, even if it’s not the usual ‘this is going on in my life’… Sorry for the downer.
Posted: Life, SAD
25
October
2005
The semester has started yesterday. Not that it has much of an impact this time, since I finished all my classes and now have time until mid-January to decide on a topic for my thesis, the writing of which will take up the first half of 2006.
Therefore I have only signed up for one class at uni. I’ve also decided to use the time I have now to brush up my French, so this morning I went to Riehen (takes me about 50 minutes, one way) for a 15 weeks course at the community college, focussing mainly on conversation, which is my big trouble area. It’s hard for me to have to grope for words - but I’m just tired to be embarrassed of how bad my French is after all the years of classes in school…
Other than that, I’ve taken out my beloved sheepskin (birthday gift from several of my friends) and my comfy blanket and am spending some quality time with some favorite movies (finally got ‘When Harry Met Sally’ and ‘Romeo & Juliet’ on DVD when I was in Singapore, after years of only owning the videos) and lots (probably a bit too much *g*) of yummy Swiss chocolate. Aren’t you envious? 
Not feeling the SAD yet, but I’ve started drinking my St. John’s Wort tea just in case - I want to be able to enjoy my ‘free’ months and get things done, both on- and offline.
Posted: Life, SAD, Uni
7
February
2005
Been having not-so-great days/hours more often again. Think I might start the St. John’s Wort pills, since I talked it over with my shrink and he thinks that it’s justified if my mood noticably deteriorates. Still, the decision doesn’t come easy, but I really don’t want to go back to where I was this time last year - down, down, down… I need to be able to function. And I just feel so out-of-balance much too easily.
But no use to dwell on this - so let’s change topics, to this week’s Unconscious Mutterings:
- Shelter:: from the storm
- Karate Kid:: yi-haw!
- Andrew:: that guy from Buffy?
- Rib:: pork
- Push it:: Salt n’Pepa
- Creep:: me out
- Chainlink:: chink in the chain (’Meet the Fockers’)
- Squash:: the pumpkin or the sport?
- No mercy:: silly popsongs
- Superhero:: complex
Posted: Memes, SAD
31
January
2005
I should be 1) writing my paper, 2) preparing the presentation for Friday, or 3) reading homework for Thursday. Instead all I feel like doing is sitting on the couch, wrapped in as many layers as possible. Not exactly down, just feeling a bit displaced.
Posted: Life, SAD
21
January
2005
Not in a very good mood. Probably partly the weather and partly the remnants of my cold, which is still plaguing me somewhat. Tonight’s open night at all museums in Basel, which Sibylle and I always go to, but truth be told I’m not really in the mood for crowds. But I don’t know if I can call this off, seeing as it’s only once a year. This is the first time I’ve felt like this in weeks, so I guess I should be grateful.
Unrelated - a number of total strangers have signed up for my Birthday Alarm. That kind of irritates me, since I don’t really see the sense in it. If you’ve come through this blog, would you mind stepping forward and letting me know? Would be cool!
Posted: Life, SAD
9
December
2004
Haven’t been doing much lately except focus on the upcoming holidays. My very favorite time of year, with my birthday (on Jan 5) being the icing on the cake… It just means a lot to me, because I’m a Christian but also because I love the whole atmosphere of it. I know a lot of people are stressed out by it - and so am I, sometimes, when I think about how many cards I promised to write - but for me, it’s just… magical, I guess. Love it!
Have also been trying to be good about my social life, getting in touch with people and meeting them. Still quite bad about answering my email sometimes (as well as updating here, as you might have noticed *g*), but I’ve really been doing my best and enjoyed seeing some people I hadn’t seen in a while as well as just hanging out with closer friends.
I’m still doing much, much better emotionally than last year, yet doing all of this holiday stuff does take more out of me than it usually would, so I spend hours every day on the couch, just watching TV or reading. But I also go outside every day, for at least ten, fifteen minutes and do my best to keep up with uni.
Only thing I’m not satisfied with myself about is that darn German Lit paper - it’s been hanging over my head for a year now, and I just can’t seem to make myself start it. Right now my excuse is Christmas, but my goal is to start it during Christmas break.
And that’s enough rambling for today!
Posted: Life, SAD
12
June
2004
I didn’t even notice, but it’s been ten days since my last update here. In that time I’ve come to some decisions regarding my studies - mainly that it’s high time that I take them seriously and start thinking about more than the next homework, the next paper.
I want to start my thesis and then do my exams in a year (which means that I’ll finish in two years), and I’ve suddenly realized that that’s not such a long time. I have finally found a suitable subject for my thesis (Maori landrights), and that gave me the kick in the ass I needed. There’s so much I have to do and read in order to be able to finish my studies - and I won’t be able to cram that all into the months that are officially allotted for writing the thesis and studying for the exams. It’s time to be realistic and get to work.
But these last couple of days, although I was quite prolific working on my fieldwork paper (finally - it’s only taken me half a year…) and doing homework, have been a bit rough for me. I’ve been pretty stable emotionally in the past weeks, but that balance was shaken and I’ve been going through ups and downs. I know it will pass, it always does, but at the moment I feel quite vulnerable and don’t quite know where (who) to turn to, what to do, to overcome it.
But as always, I’m an optimist at heart and always hoping that tomorrow will be better. There’s so much to be done, after all, no time to hang around and feel sorry for myself.
Posted: Life, SAD
27
February
2004
This week has been pretty emotionally draining. Obviously I have to find something in addition to my daily light-therapy, because it really can’t go on like this. So I called first the hospital where I was diagnosed, which was not very helpful, because I’m not quite ready for anti-depressiva yet. Then I called my doctor, and he recommended a shrink to me. I guess I’ll call him on Monday and see what he has to say…
That is, if he’s open on Monday - it’s carnival time here in Basel, die drey scheenste Dääg (the three most beautiful days) are starting Monday morning at 4am. And I’ll be there, together with Adrian, for who I’ll play Fasnacht guide. Is going to be fun - freezing, though.
More about Fasnacht (hopefully with pics) later. Have a good Oscars weekend everyone!
Posted: Life, SAD
27
January
2004
I’ve been having a lot of ups and downs lately, which is why I’ve been so quiet. It’s hard to accept that sometimes the thought of the simplest things (like updating a website, going to uni, or answering emails) is enough to overwhelm me. On days like this, all I can do is to avoid anything that puts me unders pressure (even if it’s just imagined pressure) and try to cope.
It’s frustrating for me, being a person who likes to be pretty much in control of her life and her emotions, but I have to learn how to live with it, I guess.
And now for something different - Unconscious Mutterings:
- Political:: debate
- Concentration:: camp
- Fish:: without a bike
- Lunacy:: too close for comfort
- Red:: herring
- Imply:: what do you say?
- Recognize:: me
- Sexist:: pig
- Commercial:: value
- Stricken:: don’t hurt me!
Posted: Memes, SAD
